• Beige is a Shade of Brown

    Note: A few years back, a former co-worker, and friend (he may dispute that) wrote a series of these.  I did and still do find them humourous, and he’s given me permission to post them here – Peter.

     

    Mid eighties…..somewhere just outside St John’s.

     

    Phyllis was admiring herself in the staff bathroom mirror. Not that the light brown, Mary Brown’s uniform did much for her figure, but she carried it well.

    She was daydreaming, again, about life in the big city, when her boss made a bawl at her;

    “Phyllis!  Stop playin’ with yer hair and get out here. Marge is late again, and we got an order needs to be delivered right away!”

    Phyllis shrugged her shoulders, and sighed. She loved her hair! It took a half can of hairspray to get the “flip” just right, the way she learned when she was living in Mt Pearl, and going to The Trades School, that one year…..Lord she missed it…townies! Townies everywhere!

     

    Phyllis took the bag off the counter and looked at the receipt;

    “I’m goin’ all the way over there, with a Big Mary, taters and gravy????”

    “and coleslaw!, jeezus, don’t ferget the coleslaw!! Did you look at the name on that bill???”

    “Brown……so?”

    “dat’s JEROME Brown, you tit!  THE Jerome Brown!”

    “pffft, sher who’s ‘e?”

    “He OWNS the fish plant, ya maroon!”

    “ohhhhhh, THAT Jerome Brown…..I thought he lived in “teronna” or sumtin’”

    “Noooo, the big city boy has come home …..he took over from his fadder, when he went to the “pen” for fish fraud.. Now git in that piece of shit ya calls a car, and get over there!”  (Jerome’s father was arrested for selling frozen cod in his Fee and Chee store)

    “why have I gotta go? It’s dart night at the Legion, and it’s my turn to anchor!”

    “’cause you were out drinkin’ with Marge last night, and you’re the reason she’s late today, so git”

     

    2

    Phyllis drove to the address on the receipt in silence. Her 8-track was jammed again. Bat out of hell was stuck in there somehow…she blamed Marge.

    She admired the car in the driveway as she walked up…only a couple of rust spots, below the driver’s door, spoiler on the back and, of course, large fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.

    She knocked on the door and waited, nervously. She had heard stories about Jerome Brown, and had never met anybody who’d been to Toronto…

    “Lord thunderin’ jeezas it’s about time!” he bellowed as he opened the door, and then caught himself as he spotted Phyllis. “sorry, taught you were buddy from last week….geez, I’d bang da guts outta you”  ( only in Nfld is this a term of endearment)

    Phyllis blushed at the compliment and gazed down at the floor, chewing her fingernails.

    “hang on, I gets me wallet”, said Jerome, as he turned and walked back into the house.

    “come in and close the door, we’re not heatin’ the street”

    She watched him walk away. He was dressed magnificently; acid wash jeans, skin tight, and a purple, velour shirt, with a large gold chain…musta been an inch thick.

    She took a glance around the living room, and thought, “well, does he have money, or not? He’s got a lovely Ford Escort GT in the driveway, but he doesn’t have enough cash to get any vinyl covering for his couch!”

    As he came back in the room she glanced at the floor again, and started nibbling.

    He gave her the money and opened the bag, going through it.

    She nibbled silently, and then shock registered in her brain.

    He looked up from the bag and said “what are you thinking?”

    “dammit,dammit,dammit, they forgot the gravy”, she thought

    “nudding”, she replied, and bit her nail again.

    He looked at her,seductively, and said, “I’d like to bite that…..tater…..it fell out of the box. It’s just sitting there at the bottom of the bag”

    “well, why don’t you”, she replied, shyly, gazing up at him, under her eyelids…

    “cause yer grossing me out, with the fingernail chewing, Missus, geezus, stop doing it!”

    “Listen, I’m off now and I gotta get to the legion, can I go now?”

     

    3

    “well, I was just gonna watch some porn on my new Betamax player, if you wanna stay for a bit. You can pause and rewind and play the good parts over and over”

    “How ‘bout dat, I got anudder box of taters and a two-four of extra old stock in my car, screw dart night!”

    Phyllis went out to her car and brought back the booze. Jerome was in the kitchen when she came in.

    “Hey, I’m just heating up the burners, we can do some hot knives, if yer into it…”

    Phyllis went to sit on the couch, and noticed a tater on the floor. As she bent over to pick it up Jerome came around the corner and  almost fainted…..

     

    To be continued…..

    Categories: Guest Post, Humour

    Tags: ,

    Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.